Gail Appel, MS, LMHC, CASAC, CSAT New York, NY 10024 Addictions and Codependency Alcoholism and Chemical Dependency Sex Addiction Love Addiction Codependency Alcoholism and Chemical Dependency One way you can tell if you need to explore your relationship to Alcohol or Drugs is if you have a number of the following symptoms: loss of control; not being able to have just one drink blackouts tremors or hallucinations when in withdrawal drinking despite recurring negative consequences; e.g. DUI, inability to concentrate at work because of using drugs or drinking the night before, fights with significant others when high, etc. frequent morning and/or lunchtime drinking or drugging hiding bottles or drugs sneaking drinks before going to a party hiding bottles of alcohol or hiding drugs If you are concerned about your drug and/or alcohol usage and you decide to meet with me, I will begin by taking a comprehensive Alcohol and Drug History. I believe that addiction needs to be ultimately self-diagnosed, but, depending on what above symptoms you may have, I will make a recommendation. If I feel you may be an Alcoholic or Drug Addict, I may make one or more of the following recommendations: Detoxification In-Patient Rehabilitation Outpatient Intensive Program Outpatient Alcohol and or Drug counseling/psychotherapy Twelve Step Programs If my recommendation involves referral to a treatment center, I will facilitate that process. If we end up working together, we will begin by focusing on getting and staying sober. This may involve identifying triggers, "people, places and things" that make it difficult for you to stay sober, encouraging connecting to the appropriate Twelve Step program (AA, CA, NA), working the program with a sponsor, etc. Because using alcohol and/or drugs may have been a way of medicating painful feelings such as anger, sadness, frustration, etc., you may not be aware of your feelings. The more sober you get, the more access you will have to these feelings. Early recovery can be a difficult time and I will help you identify and negotiate the new feelings you may be experiencing. This may be in individual and/or group sessions. After about a year of sobriety I often see that some deeper issues begin to emerge. If you have experienced childhood trauma, this may be the time when we begin to slowly deal with these issues. Whatever you need in your recovery, it is important to know that you do not have to do this alone. After browsing my website I hope you will feel comfortable calling me so that we can work together. [ Top ] Sex Addiction Sex Addiction can be defined as any sexual behavior that is secretive, shameful, or abusive, which continues despite negative consequences. Some acting out behaviors include: using prostitutes or sexual massages, prolonged use of pornography, chronic masturbation, anonymous sex, multiple affairs etc. Some major characteristics which are often common to these behaviors are obsession/preoccupation, fantasy, intensity, power, and loss of control. Continuing a behavior, despite negative consequences, is often an indication of addiction. Most addicts have tried to control or change these behaviors, at some point, with little to no success, leaving feelings of guilt, shame, despair, anxiety, confusion, anger, and/or frustration. If you are a sex or love addict and decide to enter recovery, you will probably experience some withdrawal symptoms which involve painful feelings. Often addicts may manage these feelings by developing other addictions. Sometimes when one addictive behavior decreases or gets eliminated, other behaviors/addictions will appear for the first time, or increase if they had already been present. This is referred to as Cross- Addiction, or Co-Occuring Addictions. Some of these addictions may be destructive eating, shopping, computer use, alcohol or substance abuse, gambling etc. Sometimes an addict may not have sex for an extended period of time, which is called Sexual Anorexia. It may look like recovery but it is another form of Sex Addiction. If you or someone you care about is suffering from Sex Addiction, it is important to know that recovery is possible. The best chance of recovery involves a combination of therapy with someone experienced with Sex & Love Addiction, and a 12-step program. Some 12-step programs are SRA, SCA, SA, SAA, and SLAA. Even just finding a qualified therapist will significantly increase your chances at recovery and healthy sexuality. You will need a lot of support, so it is best to find a therapist who you feel you can trust. [ Top ] Love Addiction Love Addiction comes in many forms. Some Love addicts are drawn to unavailable people, obsess when falling in love, get addicted to the euphoric effects of romance or cannot end a toxic relationship even if they feel unhappy, depressed, lonely, neglected, or in danger. Using sex or becoming anorexic are also ways Love Addicts manage feelings. Often Co-Addiction is involved. Underlying Love Addiction is a craving for emotional connection and the Love Addict will avoid separation anxiety, and loneliness at any cost. Many Love Addicts experienced some kind of abandonment growing up. It may have been through divorce, death, or the presence of an emotionally unavailable, depressed or addicted caregiver. Creating a fantasy world in order to fill the emptiness becomes a way of coping and this often continues in adult life resulting in a never ending pattern of intense, fantasy-based relationships. If you or someone you love is a Co-Addict and you want to enter recovery, it is important to know that withdrawal from Love Addiction is often painful. The anger, loneliness, shame, despair, frustration, and confusion can be overwhelming. Sometimes it can cause the obsessive behaviors to escalate, such as checking a partner’s personal social networking pages, looking through wallets and cell phone records, driving by a partner’s house repeatedly, and asking friends for information about the partner’s recent activity. Sometimes you might turn to excessive eating, shopping, sleeping, computer use, TV watching, exercising, gambling, alcohol or drugs, to numb out the pain. But it is vital to remember that recovery is possible and you don’t need to go through it alone. With a therapist who understands Love Addiction as well as 12-step programs, such as SLAA, you can get the support you need to deal with the painful feelings, understand what led you to Love Addiction, and help you to develop a satisfying relationship. You will learn how to set boundaries, to value yourself from the inside and what healthy sexuality as well as emotional intimacy really is. Your life can really change. I hope you will take the first step and ask for help. It can make all the difference in the world, [ Top ] Codependency Anyone who has been in a relationship with an Addict is referred to as the Partner or Co-Addict. The partner of a Sex Addict is often referred to as a Co-Sex Addict or COSA. If you are the partner of an Addict, you are in need of treatment just as much as the Addict is. Even if you are no longer with this person, chances are that, without getting support and understanding about your experiences and feelings, you will end up with another addict somewhere along the way. If you are a partner of an Addict you may begin to doubt your own perceptions. You may sense that your partner is drinking, drugging or acting out sexually and you might confront your partner about it. The Addict, due to denial, will say anything he or she can to make you feel you are wrong, that you have no justification for thinking anything is going on. In these situations you might begin a pattern of addictive behaviors. You might do things you never thought you would ever do. If you are a COSA, you may have begun searching wallets, checking emails and phone records, following the Addict, paying close attention to details in stories and looking for contradictions. If you suspect your partner of drinking or drugging you might become more attentive to smells and behaviors of your partner when he or she returns from anywhere. What this all means is that you may be losing yourself in your partner’s addicted world. You may begin to feel uncomfortable in your home, as well as losing a sense of safety and connection with yourself and your partner. You may even become somewhat paranoid. If your addicted partner is really good at denying, minimizing and rationalizing his or her behavior, it may cause you to further doubt yourself and become more insecure, suspicious, confused, anxious and depressed. If you are a COSA you may be suffering a loss of sexuality, possibly becoming sexually anorexic, or you may be having sex more often with your partner (even if you don’t really want to) in order to try and resolve the situation. You may have become sex or love addicted to your partner. In any case, it is not a healthy sexuality or relationship. Recovery for a partner begins by dealing with grief and loss of trust. In addition, a COSA may be dealing with the loss of healthy sexuality and the life you thought you knew. It is extremely helpful if your partner admits to the problem and gets treatment. For a COSA and Sex Addict, part of treatment for you both should involve a disclosure. A disclosure is often extremely validating, providing a sense of relief that your beliefs and perceptions were correct. You will also need to process and heal from the trauma of broken trust and intense feelings of hurt and anger. Recovery for you may take some time as you learn how to feel safe in a relationship, how to trust, and, if you are a COSA, you may also need to learn how to find yourself sexually again. You and your partner will both need time to recover. Couples therapy is highly effective for this process, if you and your partner desire to remain together. S-Anon or COSA are 12-step groups for partners of Sex Addicts and AL-ANON is a 12-step group for CO-Addicts. They can be extremely helpful in the recovery process. The most important action you can take is to get yourself into therapy with someone you trust. This is where the trauma, pain, anxiety, anger, and despair will begin to be healed. Whether you are a Sex Addict, Love Addict, Co-Addict or COSA, I hope, after looking through my website, that you will feel safe enough to call or e-mail me. [ Top ] home | about me | couples counseling | group therapy individual psychotherapy | depression | anxiety addictions & codependency | faqs | resources & links location | contact Gail Appel, MS, LMHC, CASAC, CSAT 144 West 86th St., Suite 1A New York, NY 10024 212-787-1879 gail@gailappel.net

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